say goodnight

Every night, when I shut off my light... I tell you good night.  Wish you were here so we could do it "Walton's style"...

Love you more,
Mom

missed

Another family gathering without you... you were missed.  I don't think I will ever get used to the empty chair at the table.

Love you more,
Mom

the holidays, again

Of course it's the holidays again.  I'm not sure if last year I was better prepared or if I was still a bit numb.... but this year, these last few weeks have been tough.  I know I should be grateful for what I have but it's hard when you know what you don't have.... and the holidays, well they certainly bring back the memories of good times.  No matter what age, the holidays were usually the times when time was spent with family... and so many years of happy, mostly, memories and traditions.

Now I feel a bit adrift.  I think a lot of us feel a bit lost still.

I've thought a lot about this and I think it's not that hard to be happy... happiness can exist for a moment, an hour, a day... but real joy is something that isn't so easy to come by... I now know that I was fortunate to have many, many holidays where there was joy.  It's an easy time of year to be nostalgic for the days when you were young and the days leading up to Christmas were so full of childhood excitement and joy.

I still can't believe life could change in an instant.  I miss what could have been.  We all move forward without you in our daily lives and it's just so hard to accept the change.

Missing you everyday,
Love you more,
Mom

You don't always have to go through the bad to get to the good, but until you have known the bad, you won't fully understand the good.  The main thing is to be courageous and open to the full spectrum of life.... my horoscope today.  I'm not sure that this is something I agree with... certainly not how I would have chosen to go through life but unfortunately there are many things we don't get to make a choice on.

Thanksgiving, all holidays really, aren't the same without you.  Not too sure there will ever be one that feels "whole" again... that something isn't missing.

Missing you each and every day.

Love you more,
Mom

It's hard to believe that in a couple of weeks it will have been 3 years since you found your little house.  It somehow seems both so long and so short ago.... I remember that early December Sunday that we all went and looked at this cozy little house.  How exciting it was.  We painted and fixed a few things and in just a few months you were all moved in with your meager household items and furniture.  It was such a big milestone of life for you.  Never would any of us have dreamed that it would be for such a short time.

Missing you each and every day.
Love you more,
Mom

martha

This week I read that Martha Stewart's sister passed away suddenly last summer at the age of 59.

Now some may wonder why I would mention this here... but we kind of had a Martha thing all those years ago.

I remember the first year I really followed her this issue of her magazine came out, I think it is still my favorite to this day.  Then came her Christmas special... you, Krysta and I all lined up on the old orange sofa downstairs with just the Christmas tree lights on while we watched her create beautiful things showing all the steps in that slow, methodical way her original show used to have.

I remember that same year before you went off to school... I'd say to you or you'd say to me... "Wanna watch Martha?"  And you and I would cuddle up on the bed or the couch and spend a half hour watching her cook, grow and create.

At her sister's memorial she read this poem... and it is fitting.

To the living, I am gone.

To the sorrowful, I will never return.

To the angry, I was cheated,

But to the happy, I am at peace,

And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea - remember me.

As you look in awe at a mighty forest and its grand majesty - remember me.

As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity - remember me.

Remember me in your heart, your thoughts, your memories of the times we loved,

the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed.

For if you always think of me, I will never be gone.

Missing you and remembering you everyday...
Love you more,
Mom

tomorrow

I think about tomorrows a lot... how we take them for granted.  I'm the worst about putting something off until tomorrow... always planning for the next spring garden or the next season.  But sometimes there isn't another Christmas or another summer and we should be enjoying the "now" more.  It can be hard when there's so much going on in life each day to just stop and realize how lucky we are to have a today.  How we think we don't have time or money for something but we'll do it "next year"... I'm not saying we should all be grasshoppers instead of ants but perhaps we should be somewhere in the middle just a bit more often.

Missing you each and every day,
Love you more,
Mom

sweet

Halloween is coming up on us... this Friday in fact.  Can't help but think of the one who had the biggest sweet tooth of them all...

 I suppose you came by it naturally but you definitely preferred candy or cake to anything else.  Once when you were about 4 or 5 and I was not feeling well you kept me company in bed watching tv and napping, little did I know that while I slept you had helped yourself to brown sugar and white sugar straight out of the package!

I used to make peanut butter and honey for sandwiches and sometimes would use it with jam for you... you convinced your grandma this was ok to have together and when she was making it for you well you of course said actually my mom makes me honey and jam sandwiches... she didn't buy that one!

 I need to take candy in for work on Friday and looked for your favorite Fastbreak candy bars but I guess my grocery store didn't stock those in mini size this year.

Missing that sweet little boy and big boy every day.

Love you more,
Mom

cherish

A week or two ago I read a story about a family that was about to have their first baby... it was not expected to live more than a few hours after birth due to being born without all parts of his brain... i think it is Anencephaly.

His parents found this out last April, 5 months or so before his October due date.  I'm sure they grieved and went through all kinds of thoughts and feeling but what stuck with me is that they actually spent the summer doing a "bucket list" of things they would have liked to have done with their son knowing he had little chance of surviving.

I can't imagine being those parents... even after these past months I still can not imagine how they could make it through this pregnancy knowing the likely result.

But what it makes me realize is we must cherish every single minute... from birth to death.  The small things and the big things.   The happy things and the sad things.  I also realized that I was more fortunate than others because I got to know you longer than anyone else.

Missing you every day...
Love you more,
Mom

you were missed

You would have had a great time last night... I thought of you and how you would have enjoyed talking to all about the barn and the tractor collection... you might even have kicked up your heels a bit as the evening progressed... I think you would have thought the decorating was a bit overboard and complained about another wedding...  but secretly would have enjoyed being part of this.

I know that I will ever attend a family event and not feel like something is missing.

Love you more,
Mom

the dogs

We had another little dog mishap this week... this one more funny or smelly than serious.  I thought you'd appreciate it.  Kasia had a run in with a skunk one morning.

I couldn't help but remember the "greenies incident"...

 Cady's, uhm, "gastro issues" that warm September day a few years back.

 No one will ever forget the "tail incident"... I think it still embarrasses Cady...

Or Kasia's leap of faith... or stupidity off the retaining wall...

 I often wonder if they miss you at night, especially when they're a bit scared of thunder, lightening or fireworks...

 Miss your walks in the field...

They still bark and have a happy dance when they see your truck pull up in the driveway...

I think they miss you too.

Love you more,
Mom

happiness

"you have no idea the amount of happiness you brought into my life..."

I saw this quote on pinterest and thought it was so appropriate.  I miss the silly little boy... the goofball of a teen and the young man you were becoming.

This whole experience, if nothing else, has made me realize how much I need to enjoy and really live in the moments and not always be worrying or planning for the future.

Love you more,
Mom

passing first

As I sit here on a bright, sunny day in September I can't help but realize we've "made it" through all of the firsts... yesterday, September 13th marks one year since your memorial service.  We've passed all of the other firsts as well, your birthday, the holidays, seasons, harvest and of course, the one year date of your death.  You'd think after a year it would be easier but it really hasn't.  Although we coped through those first hazy days and weeks, it hasn't gotten any better with the passing of time.

All those milestones in your 23 1/2 years and I never, ever thought we'd be acknowledging this one on the calendar of life.

Miss you every single day.

Love you more,
Mom

memorial arena

I remember many cold hockey games in arenas in BC, ones that were named Memorial Arena.  If I remember correctly the one in Penticton was built as a true memorial after World War II.  So many happy memories of those days.

So I finally got the Japanese Maple planted... one that was given to us after you died.  This garden is a good spot, what I've called the bird garden but I think now it will be my memory or memorial garden.

You and your sister helped me line it with bricks... it still houses your little squirrel feeder you built.  And I've added your tractor planter.  One of your neighbors gave Dad a milk can so the garden now has two...

The hanging basket you gave me a few mother's days ago still hangs on the tree and my glider bench will be a place to sway and remember.

I found a heart shaped rock to remind me of how much I love you still.

Love you more,
Mom

one year

It's been one whole year now... I think of you every day and still cannot believe you're gone.

I came across this written by Elizabeth Edwards that lost a son and although no one has been so unkind or "un"thoughtful as to ask if I or we are "over it" it still fits...

My life will never be the same life it once was...

It's been a long ride with out you...

Love you more,
Mom

blue eyes

Blue eyed summer time smile

Looks so good that it hurts...

There are still so many days that I just can't find the words to say how much it still hurts...

Even after almost an entire year...

Forever and always, love you more,

Mom

seeing you

It's been one year, 52 weeks, since I saw you last.  All day an old song has been playing through my mind... the first time ever i saw your face... a real old song from the 70's, long before you were born... but in my mind i keep thinking the last time ever i saw your face.

I'm sure that over the following 9 days we texted a few times but I didn't see you or talk to you.  I wish now that instead of texting you about dinner on that Friday or Saturday I would have just called instead.

Never did I think when you left that evening after dinner that it would be the last "see ya"...

Miss you every day...

Love you more,
Mom

august

I can't believe this was one year ago today... well tomorrow by the date, today by 52 weeks.  The first Sunday after harvest was slowing and you came over for dinner.  You cut these from your garden and brought them to me in a milk jug.

Miss you each and every day...

Love you more,
Mom

tractors

The tractor show was this weekend up the road.  I still remember that day seven years ago when you came driving up the driveway on this one.  So proud of it and ready to dig into your senior project of restoring it.  Along the way you learned a lot and became a bit of a Farmall expert.  Collecting more tractors, some on your own and some with dad.

Never thought that someday we'd have all these tractors and just memories.

Missing you.
Love you more,
Mom

**not sure why but once again, my post didn't post from last week...

dirt

There's new song out that makes me think of you every time I hear it... fittingly it's called "dirt".  It seems that since we moved here, since you worked on your first tractor, since you worked at "the farm" well you were always covered with some sort of dirt, grime or raspberries.  Shoes tracking in dirt and mud... even the pink tinge to everything that year you worked on your tractor.

You get your hands in it

Plant your roots in it

Dusty head lights dance with your boots in it (dirt)

You write her name on it

Spin your tires on it

Build your corn field, whiskey

Bonfires on it (dirt)

You bet your life on it 

You've mixed some sweat with it

Taken a shovel to it

You've stuck some crosses and some painted

Goal posts through it (dirt)

You know you came from it (dirt)

And some day you'll return to it

Love you more,Mom
edit - not sure why this didn't post last week... I guess you get a "twofer" this sunday.