closing out 2013

It's been a rough day... not only have the holidays been difficult, the idea of moving into a new year, your upcoming birthday... but today a couple more young men from Ferndale and Lynden have died on this last day of 2013.

I'm sorry to say that one was a friend of yours, a fishing buddy.  If there is a heaven then I guess you already know that and perhaps you two have been out wading through some fishing holes... I feel for both families since I know the shock and pain they are all going through right now.  And your mutual friends... well obviously it's been a tough year for them too.

I'm so damn mad at the senselessness of all of this, questioning what is the purpose of putting all of us through this journey to no where... sick of hearing about heaven and angels, yet afraid at the same time that if they don't exist it will mean never seeing you again.

Missing you on this last day of 2013,
Love you more,
Mom

another month gone by

Another month, it's been four. It seems so much longer since we saw you last, talked to you.  Eighteen weeks on this Tuesday, the last day of 2013.  I'm back and forth on getting out of 2013 and into 2014... a year you never saw, never will.  Some days the tears still fall like raindrops from the sky...

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

I still can't believe you're there and we're here without you.

Missing you each and every day...

Love you more,

Mom

last christmas

If only we could know that this is the last time for something, maybe we'd savor the moments more.  

Last Christmas... it was the first Christmas with an "empty nest".  Your first in your new house but I convinced you that you needed to stay at "home" overnight for one more since we'd all be here in the morning. I remember telling you that you needed to stay because next year you could be married with a baby, of course I was joking.  Your response to me was "Mom, I can guarantee you that I won't be married with a baby next Christmas".... 

I've thought of this conversation a lot in the last 4 months.  

As well as the fact that I wasn't very on top of picture taking last year.  I only have two of you... a blurry photo of your reflection in the window on Christmas morning and one shot on my phone.

I still can't believe you're gone...

Love you more,
Mom

raspberry jam

Making the raspberry jam today that I didn't get around to last fall...

Jam from the berries you gave me last July... the same flats of berries that I told you I had finally, after 6 years, come up with a way to get them out of the flats without crushing and mashing them.  I remember you laughing at me that I used my pasta strainer to do this.  These two flats that I traded you for a cold can of coke and a peanut butter cookie on a hot Sunday evening... little did I know that this would be the last flats I ever got from you.

Remembering you in my heart today and everyday.

Love you more,
Mom

blue christmas

Missing you at all the family holiday gatherings...

Love you more,
Mom

peanuts & snoopy

Little Zach would have loved this...

Missing you on this second Sunday of the holiday season.

Love you more,
Mom

at the table

 There was an empty spot at the table on Thanksgiving.  You were missed, as you are every day.

Love you more,

Mom