enough time

Today marks two months.

You always think there will be another day.  Another time to take care of something you've planned.  Another day to find what you're looking for.  Another visit, another chat, another text, another dinner.

I thought I'd have time to sew you some sofa pillows... to make that Farmall quilt from fabric I bought 4 or 5 years ago... to find you a bigger/better coffee table... I still find myself looking at them on Craigslist, and dressers too.  I bought you that frame to make a chalkboard for your kitchen, it was never finished.  When we helped you with your house way back when you got it, I always thought there would be time to paint inside your back door... perhaps help you finish off the second bedroom.  There would be another day, another time.

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh

And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no

Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life,oh well

I’ve had just enough time

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

It wasn't enough time, I wasn't finished yet...
Love you more.
Love Mom

who'd have thought

Who'd have thought... who'd have guessed that I'd someday have a board on Pinterest titled "Grief and Healing"...

 Or that Winnie the Pooh could have said it best...

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.  If we're in each other's dreams, we can be TOGETHER all the time."

Not I, not I.

Missing you on this fall day,
Love you more,
Mom

minutes, hours, days, weeks, months

It's funny... when you and your sister were babies everything was counted in days, then weeks, then months and finally years.  You were 6 weeks when you slept through the night... 5 months when you had pears... 15 months when you walked... 3 1/2 when you went to preschool.

I find myself doing the same tracking of time these days, only it's counting the minutes, hours, days, weeks you've been gone.

Moving beyond the first days, the first week, the first month... we're almost to 7 weeks now... I know someday it will be easier but right now we all miss you each and every minute of the day.

Miss you... Love you more,
Mom

thank you

As I work through the pile of thank you cards I write to all who have touched us over these last 5, almost 6, weeks.  I realized there was one person I couldn't mail a thank you to...   Zach, I have so many things to thank you for....  Your sheepish grin, your bright blue eyes twinkling, your ability to have a story to tell at a moments notice, your kindness to all you met...

Your ability to fix anything that was presented to you, to jump in and help others, your enthusiasm for a new project, your desire to be close to me when you were small, the fact that you never were the young adult that didn't want to hang with us on a Friday night...

So I shouldn't have been surprised when the friends and family that spoke at your memorial service mentioned these same qualities.  I'm proud that you had grown up to be such a wonderful and caring young man.  A  hard worker.  A kind human being.

The young man that would bring his mama hydrangeas from his garden on an any old kind of Sunday day.  I treasure and thank you for each and every day of your short 23 1/2 years.

Missing you every moment,
I love you more,
Mom

driving by

Everyday on my way to work I pass by "the farm"... it makes me sad knowing you're not there... working hard in the early hours of the morning.

You and dad always made fun of my "inattentiveness" when driving... that I didn't notice people passing by me.  Now I find myself looking for you and of course you're not there.

This holiday season when the lighted star goes up on the farm's windmill it will be someone else hanging it for the first time in quite a few years.

Missing you... as always.

Zach, I love you more.
Love mom