25

Today you would have been 25. 

And here we are again... last year was the first birthday we didn't spend together.  It's hard to get past that.  Twenty three birthdays and each and every one you spent with us.

I miss the baby you were, the little boy you became and the young man you were becoming.  

I know if I live 23 1/2 years without you, I will miss you each and every day.

Love you more,

Mom

2015

It's hard to believe we've started another year with out you in it.  After 16 months it is still so hard to believe you're gone.

Many people say it gets easier as time goes by.... that you are able to feel grateful for the memories instead of feeling pain and wishing things had worked out differently.  Me?  I think you just get used to living with an empty space within yourself, a hole forever in your heart that nothing can ever fill.

Everyday of 2014 was a lesson in acceptance... of the fact we cannot change the past and time keeps marching on.

Wish you were here to wish a happy 2015.

Love you more,
Mom

say goodnight

Every night, when I shut off my light... I tell you good night.  Wish you were here so we could do it "Walton's style"...

Love you more,
Mom

missed

Another family gathering without you... you were missed.  I don't think I will ever get used to the empty chair at the table.

Love you more,
Mom

the holidays, again

Of course it's the holidays again.  I'm not sure if last year I was better prepared or if I was still a bit numb.... but this year, these last few weeks have been tough.  I know I should be grateful for what I have but it's hard when you know what you don't have.... and the holidays, well they certainly bring back the memories of good times.  No matter what age, the holidays were usually the times when time was spent with family... and so many years of happy, mostly, memories and traditions.

Now I feel a bit adrift.  I think a lot of us feel a bit lost still.

I've thought a lot about this and I think it's not that hard to be happy... happiness can exist for a moment, an hour, a day... but real joy is something that isn't so easy to come by... I now know that I was fortunate to have many, many holidays where there was joy.  It's an easy time of year to be nostalgic for the days when you were young and the days leading up to Christmas were so full of childhood excitement and joy.

I still can't believe life could change in an instant.  I miss what could have been.  We all move forward without you in our daily lives and it's just so hard to accept the change.

Missing you everyday,
Love you more,
Mom

You don't always have to go through the bad to get to the good, but until you have known the bad, you won't fully understand the good.  The main thing is to be courageous and open to the full spectrum of life.... my horoscope today.  I'm not sure that this is something I agree with... certainly not how I would have chosen to go through life but unfortunately there are many things we don't get to make a choice on.

Thanksgiving, all holidays really, aren't the same without you.  Not too sure there will ever be one that feels "whole" again... that something isn't missing.

Missing you each and every day.

Love you more,
Mom

It's hard to believe that in a couple of weeks it will have been 3 years since you found your little house.  It somehow seems both so long and so short ago.... I remember that early December Sunday that we all went and looked at this cozy little house.  How exciting it was.  We painted and fixed a few things and in just a few months you were all moved in with your meager household items and furniture.  It was such a big milestone of life for you.  Never would any of us have dreamed that it would be for such a short time.

Missing you each and every day.
Love you more,
Mom