8 months

Today is 8 months... still so hard to believe.

We were at the Johnson's yesterday and I couldn't help but think about the last time we were there, for the wedding.  Such happy memories.  It's funny how you think back about things and realize that you planned something not realizing what would happen in the future.  I certainly never thought on that wedding day that our walk down the aisle at your sister's wedding would be the only chance I got with you.  It would have been nice to have had a dance with you that night too but of course, we always think there will be time... another wedding to dance at... a chance missed that I will never get to have.

Missing you.

Love you more,
Mom

for you

 You told me I needed a more color in my flowers....

Here it is.  Planted last fall, just for you.

Love you more,
Mom

not just a job

It still surprises me how randomly something makes me think of you... a song, a tv show, a movie or even just a sunny spring day.

Today on my drive to Lynden I passed by Enfields as I always do.  And I thought about how you'd put on your facebook page, not once, but twice... "if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life".  Although 23 1/2 years was way too soon, at least you had found your place in this world.  Many of us can't say that after working decades.

Missing you, as always...
Love you more,
Mom

blue

We've had some sunny days lately.  Our red tulips are coming along nicely... soon to bloom, I hope.

Of course the sunny days and blue skies remind me of you.  Of working hard in spring for the upcoming harvest... the blue of the skies as blue as your eyes.

Missing you today and always,
Love you more,
Mom

good ones

Remember when Dad started taking you and krysta ice skating....  Oh how you loved to skate and wanted to play hockey.  You skated sometimes 3 or 4 times on a weekend, then roller hockey that first summer and finally your first try at ice hockey the following fall.  I remember your first game was in Langley, at the old twin rinks.  I think the other team stopped keeping score at about 22 to 1… but when you got in the car after the game you were so excited… your comment “That was a great game!”  The next 10 years were hours and hours of hockey, games and practices, in cold rinks across lower BC and Washington state.  I think we wore out our car in those hockey years… 

I appreciate all those hours in the car together now more than ever.

Miss you,

Love you more,

Mom

the middle

As I was driving towards Lynden this morning... and the sun was shining.  I couldn't help but wonder when, or if, I'll ever truly be happy again.  Not that I don't smile and laugh but truly happy, the joyful kind.  The kind that you feel bursting out of you on a sunny spring Sunday when all is well... the kind that makes you feel it right in the center of your chest, your heart.

It seems like my emotional spectrum is stuck somewhere in the middle... on the other end, well I don't worry a whole lot anymore.  Before that day in August if I was worried I'd feel that stomach dropping sensation...  and being the worrier that I was it was there a lot.  Now I wasn't even nervous on my job interview... don't feel it in the car in snowy weather... don't feel it when you pass by a cop car with his radar out.

Now I'm just somewhere in the middle... they say time heals all wounds.  I guess I still need more time.

Missing you.

Love you more,
Mom

seasons

It's hard to believe it's almost spring.  This will be the third season change without you... summer to fall, fall to winter, winter to spring.

Seeing all the farm equipment traveling around our part of the county just makes me miss you more... You should be on one of those tractors driving here and there... Gearing up for a busy spring and harvest.

I miss your goofiness... they way you always said "hey" when you called or came by... a random text that could be about anything... I still can't believe you're gone.

The tulips I planted in the fall are coming up.  Just a few inches above ground so far.  I'd hoped by the time they bloomed it would be easier living in a world without you.... perhaps someday, but not yet today.

Missing you on this rainy, almost spring, Sunday.
Love you more,
Mom