You don't always have to go through the bad to get to the good, but until you have known the bad, you won't fully understand the good.  The main thing is to be courageous and open to the full spectrum of life.... my horoscope today.  I'm not sure that this is something I agree with... certainly not how I would have chosen to go through life but unfortunately there are many things we don't get to make a choice on.

Thanksgiving, all holidays really, aren't the same without you.  Not too sure there will ever be one that feels "whole" again... that something isn't missing.

Missing you each and every day.

Love you more,
Mom

It's hard to believe that in a couple of weeks it will have been 3 years since you found your little house.  It somehow seems both so long and so short ago.... I remember that early December Sunday that we all went and looked at this cozy little house.  How exciting it was.  We painted and fixed a few things and in just a few months you were all moved in with your meager household items and furniture.  It was such a big milestone of life for you.  Never would any of us have dreamed that it would be for such a short time.

Missing you each and every day.
Love you more,
Mom

martha

This week I read that Martha Stewart's sister passed away suddenly last summer at the age of 59.

Now some may wonder why I would mention this here... but we kind of had a Martha thing all those years ago.

I remember the first year I really followed her this issue of her magazine came out, I think it is still my favorite to this day.  Then came her Christmas special... you, Krysta and I all lined up on the old orange sofa downstairs with just the Christmas tree lights on while we watched her create beautiful things showing all the steps in that slow, methodical way her original show used to have.

I remember that same year before you went off to school... I'd say to you or you'd say to me... "Wanna watch Martha?"  And you and I would cuddle up on the bed or the couch and spend a half hour watching her cook, grow and create.

At her sister's memorial she read this poem... and it is fitting.

To the living, I am gone.

To the sorrowful, I will never return.

To the angry, I was cheated,

But to the happy, I am at peace,

And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea - remember me.

As you look in awe at a mighty forest and its grand majesty - remember me.

As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity - remember me.

Remember me in your heart, your thoughts, your memories of the times we loved,

the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed.

For if you always think of me, I will never be gone.

Missing you and remembering you everyday...
Love you more,
Mom

tomorrow

I think about tomorrows a lot... how we take them for granted.  I'm the worst about putting something off until tomorrow... always planning for the next spring garden or the next season.  But sometimes there isn't another Christmas or another summer and we should be enjoying the "now" more.  It can be hard when there's so much going on in life each day to just stop and realize how lucky we are to have a today.  How we think we don't have time or money for something but we'll do it "next year"... I'm not saying we should all be grasshoppers instead of ants but perhaps we should be somewhere in the middle just a bit more often.

Missing you each and every day,
Love you more,
Mom

sweet

Halloween is coming up on us... this Friday in fact.  Can't help but think of the one who had the biggest sweet tooth of them all...

 I suppose you came by it naturally but you definitely preferred candy or cake to anything else.  Once when you were about 4 or 5 and I was not feeling well you kept me company in bed watching tv and napping, little did I know that while I slept you had helped yourself to brown sugar and white sugar straight out of the package!

I used to make peanut butter and honey for sandwiches and sometimes would use it with jam for you... you convinced your grandma this was ok to have together and when she was making it for you well you of course said actually my mom makes me honey and jam sandwiches... she didn't buy that one!

 I need to take candy in for work on Friday and looked for your favorite Fastbreak candy bars but I guess my grocery store didn't stock those in mini size this year.

Missing that sweet little boy and big boy every day.

Love you more,
Mom

cherish

A week or two ago I read a story about a family that was about to have their first baby... it was not expected to live more than a few hours after birth due to being born without all parts of his brain... i think it is Anencephaly.

His parents found this out last April, 5 months or so before his October due date.  I'm sure they grieved and went through all kinds of thoughts and feeling but what stuck with me is that they actually spent the summer doing a "bucket list" of things they would have liked to have done with their son knowing he had little chance of surviving.

I can't imagine being those parents... even after these past months I still can not imagine how they could make it through this pregnancy knowing the likely result.

But what it makes me realize is we must cherish every single minute... from birth to death.  The small things and the big things.   The happy things and the sad things.  I also realized that I was more fortunate than others because I got to know you longer than anyone else.

Missing you every day...
Love you more,
Mom

you were missed

You would have had a great time last night... I thought of you and how you would have enjoyed talking to all about the barn and the tractor collection... you might even have kicked up your heels a bit as the evening progressed... I think you would have thought the decorating was a bit overboard and complained about another wedding...  but secretly would have enjoyed being part of this.

I know that I will ever attend a family event and not feel like something is missing.

Love you more,
Mom