This is my journal of my journey in life without one of my children, something I could never have imagined I would go through.
Yesterday was one month since Zachary died. In some ways it feels like it's been forever... in others I can't believe he's been gone for a whole month. I feel like I have cried more in the last 30 days than in my entire 49 years.
When I look at this picture, I feel a little like he's still here... he looks right at me. I can still hear his voice when he'd call or walk in the door with a "hey"... at the same time I'm scared I'll forget the sound of his voice....
There is so much I'd like to say to him, mostly that I wish I could have been there for him at the end just like I was there in the beginning. I wish that the last time I'd said "see ya" that I'd have given you a hug and not just been so casual, thinking I'd see you the next Sunday like always. So this little blog is for me... and for Zach, my forever 23 year old son. My very own letters to Zachary.
For now this song pretty much sums it up for me these days.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Today
Today
Today
Today
Today
Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, someday
kenny chesney - who you'd be today
Love you more,
Mom
