closing out 2013

It's been a rough day... not only have the holidays been difficult, the idea of moving into a new year, your upcoming birthday... but today a couple more young men from Ferndale and Lynden have died on this last day of 2013.

I'm sorry to say that one was a friend of yours, a fishing buddy.  If there is a heaven then I guess you already know that and perhaps you two have been out wading through some fishing holes... I feel for both families since I know the shock and pain they are all going through right now.  And your mutual friends... well obviously it's been a tough year for them too.

I'm so damn mad at the senselessness of all of this, questioning what is the purpose of putting all of us through this journey to no where... sick of hearing about heaven and angels, yet afraid at the same time that if they don't exist it will mean never seeing you again.

Missing you on this last day of 2013,
Love you more,
Mom

another month gone by

Another month, it's been four. It seems so much longer since we saw you last, talked to you.  Eighteen weeks on this Tuesday, the last day of 2013.  I'm back and forth on getting out of 2013 and into 2014... a year you never saw, never will.  Some days the tears still fall like raindrops from the sky...

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

I still can't believe you're there and we're here without you.

Missing you each and every day...

Love you more,

Mom

last christmas

If only we could know that this is the last time for something, maybe we'd savor the moments more.  

Last Christmas... it was the first Christmas with an "empty nest".  Your first in your new house but I convinced you that you needed to stay at "home" overnight for one more since we'd all be here in the morning. I remember telling you that you needed to stay because next year you could be married with a baby, of course I was joking.  Your response to me was "Mom, I can guarantee you that I won't be married with a baby next Christmas".... 

I've thought of this conversation a lot in the last 4 months.  

As well as the fact that I wasn't very on top of picture taking last year.  I only have two of you... a blurry photo of your reflection in the window on Christmas morning and one shot on my phone.

I still can't believe you're gone...

Love you more,
Mom

raspberry jam

Making the raspberry jam today that I didn't get around to last fall...

Jam from the berries you gave me last July... the same flats of berries that I told you I had finally, after 6 years, come up with a way to get them out of the flats without crushing and mashing them.  I remember you laughing at me that I used my pasta strainer to do this.  These two flats that I traded you for a cold can of coke and a peanut butter cookie on a hot Sunday evening... little did I know that this would be the last flats I ever got from you.

Remembering you in my heart today and everyday.

Love you more,
Mom

blue christmas

Missing you at all the family holiday gatherings...

Love you more,
Mom

peanuts & snoopy

Little Zach would have loved this...

Missing you on this second Sunday of the holiday season.

Love you more,
Mom

at the table

 There was an empty spot at the table on Thanksgiving.  You were missed, as you are every day.

Love you more,

Mom

sparkling

 You would hardly recognize your little kitchen.  It's pretty sparkling clean right now.  Bright white on this sunny Sunday afternoon.

Dad finished many of the little things that you'd been wanting to do... touched up your black line above the cupboards, finished and painted your hallway floors, finished the second bedroom.  And we finally got curtain rods up today.

 I'm so sorry you aren't here to enjoy your cozy little house.

Miss you...

Love you more,
Mom

harvest

Harvest came close to breaking the record this year....

Wish you were here.  You would have been proud.

Love you more,
Mom

a waking unconsciousness

The stunning, shocking loss of her husband had hit Mary with the stunning force of a blow to the skull.  She would never forget when she'd gotten the news, from the police.  Incredulity had both paralyzed and saved her sanity, creating an awful sort of waking unconsciousness; she had lived the next few minutes after she'd heard in the interstices between believing and not believing that her beloved husband was gone forever. The Accused by Lisa Scottoline.

Zach this is EXACTLY how I felt when I learned you had died, only it wasn't just minutes... but days and even weeks of feeling this way... a waking unconsciousness.  Even now, at almost 11 weeks, some days I still do.  The reality of living the rest of my life without you hurts.... I know it will ease with time, but for now it's still so hard.

Missing you...
Love you more,
Mom

each day is new

I found this book at the thrift store the other day... it seems pretty much  how life is these days.  Each day is new and each day brings different emotions.  For a few days things seemed better then this last week or so has been tough again.  Perhaps it's because we've been going through your things, clothes for the thrift store and work clothes for a fund raiser.  Looking at your things has been tough... washing your clothes, things I knew you had worn recently.

It's hard to believe it's November, almost 10 weeks now.  Another month on the calendar without you.

Today I planted tulips.  Lots and lots of red and yellow tulips.

You had given me a hard time on my pastel and pale gardens.  Maybe in the spring when these red tulips burst out of the ground it will bring a smile and a memory of you.

Missing you as always on this pretty November day.

Love you more,
Mom

enough time

Today marks two months.

You always think there will be another day.  Another time to take care of something you've planned.  Another day to find what you're looking for.  Another visit, another chat, another text, another dinner.

I thought I'd have time to sew you some sofa pillows... to make that Farmall quilt from fabric I bought 4 or 5 years ago... to find you a bigger/better coffee table... I still find myself looking at them on Craigslist, and dressers too.  I bought you that frame to make a chalkboard for your kitchen, it was never finished.  When we helped you with your house way back when you got it, I always thought there would be time to paint inside your back door... perhaps help you finish off the second bedroom.  There would be another day, another time.

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh

And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no

Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life,oh well

I’ve had just enough time

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

It wasn't enough time, I wasn't finished yet...
Love you more.
Love Mom

who'd have thought

Who'd have thought... who'd have guessed that I'd someday have a board on Pinterest titled "Grief and Healing"...

 Or that Winnie the Pooh could have said it best...

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.  If we're in each other's dreams, we can be TOGETHER all the time."

Not I, not I.

Missing you on this fall day,
Love you more,
Mom

minutes, hours, days, weeks, months

It's funny... when you and your sister were babies everything was counted in days, then weeks, then months and finally years.  You were 6 weeks when you slept through the night... 5 months when you had pears... 15 months when you walked... 3 1/2 when you went to preschool.

I find myself doing the same tracking of time these days, only it's counting the minutes, hours, days, weeks you've been gone.

Moving beyond the first days, the first week, the first month... we're almost to 7 weeks now... I know someday it will be easier but right now we all miss you each and every minute of the day.

Miss you... Love you more,
Mom

thank you

As I work through the pile of thank you cards I write to all who have touched us over these last 5, almost 6, weeks.  I realized there was one person I couldn't mail a thank you to...   Zach, I have so many things to thank you for....  Your sheepish grin, your bright blue eyes twinkling, your ability to have a story to tell at a moments notice, your kindness to all you met...

Your ability to fix anything that was presented to you, to jump in and help others, your enthusiasm for a new project, your desire to be close to me when you were small, the fact that you never were the young adult that didn't want to hang with us on a Friday night...

So I shouldn't have been surprised when the friends and family that spoke at your memorial service mentioned these same qualities.  I'm proud that you had grown up to be such a wonderful and caring young man.  A  hard worker.  A kind human being.

The young man that would bring his mama hydrangeas from his garden on an any old kind of Sunday day.  I treasure and thank you for each and every day of your short 23 1/2 years.

Missing you every moment,
I love you more,
Mom

driving by

Everyday on my way to work I pass by "the farm"... it makes me sad knowing you're not there... working hard in the early hours of the morning.

You and dad always made fun of my "inattentiveness" when driving... that I didn't notice people passing by me.  Now I find myself looking for you and of course you're not there.

This holiday season when the lighted star goes up on the farm's windmill it will be someone else hanging it for the first time in quite a few years.

Missing you... as always.

Zach, I love you more.
Love mom

sunday supper

Sundays are the hardest....

Sundays meant homemade pizza dinner and Zach pretty much only missed during harvest.

Ironically this year's tomato harvest has been a bumper crop for me.  The tomato plants that he gave me... from a co-worker of his.  The garden he helped me til and get ready.  The tomato stakes he put in for me.  Now I have jars and jars of homemade pizza/tomato sauce.  And really... I don't want to make pizza much anymore... especially on a Sunday.

Missing you.

Zach... I love you more,
Mom

a mother's journey

 This is my journal of my journey in life without one of my children, something I could never have imagined I would go through.

Yesterday was one month since Zachary died.  In some ways it feels like it's been forever... in others I can't believe he's been gone for a whole month.  I feel like I have cried more in the last 30 days than in my entire 49 years.

When I look at this picture, I feel a little like he's still here... he looks right at me.  I can still  hear his voice when he'd call or walk in the door with a "hey"... at the same time I'm scared I'll forget the sound of his voice....

There is so much I'd like to say to him, mostly that I wish I could have been there for him at the end just like I was there in the beginning.  I wish that the last time I'd said "see ya" that I'd have given you a hug and not just been so casual, thinking I'd see you the next Sunday like always.  So this little blog is for me... and for Zach, my forever 23 year old son.  My very own letters to Zachary.

For now this song pretty much sums it up for me these days.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?

Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family

I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Today

Today

Today

Today

Today

Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

kenny chesney - who you'd be today

Love you more,

Mom